What a failure I am ..

What a pathetic failure I am .. I just can't seem to voice out what I really think .. Is being back to good friends with Qian really the right thing to do ?? Sometimes , I just can't seem to make the right choices .. Mostly ending up making the wrong ones .. What am I supposed to do siah .. WTF .. I don't know what to do .. Telling people don't seem to help .. How can I say I'm tired of trying when I didn't even try until ?! But never mind .. I just don't feel up to it anymore .. I am just a pathetic little failure .. Haix .. Sometimes , I wish I'm like Shawn .. Being him seems to solve things . Like he doesn't have true friends , ending up with just himself alone .. Aww .. Sometimes , listening to people talk their heart out , you want to talk it out too .. But I don't want to .. It might just make them feel worse .. I really don't know how to think about things sometimes .. I think a lot .. I know .. I don't know how to control not to think too much .. It seems .. Natural .. I seriously don't know anymore .. SUCIDE .. Can't .. I already promised Ms Cheong .. So what can I do ??!! She sometimes also don't get me .. Even ME myself don't get myself at times .. I don't know what I am thinking .. Cutting myself .. Ms Cheong was already disappointed once with me .. Do I want to do it again ?? I can't .. I can't .. I should not .. Yes , Shawn was right .. I can't starve myself , I can't just go commit suicide .. Because I have people who cares about me .. What to do when people are thinking of doing things you yourself also want to do ?! What the hell ?! Does having no friends help ?? I might burst out one day .. I have do things that I am regretting now .. If you regret , you feel that you want to turn the time around .. I somehow feel like I want to feel how the cut will hurt .. You really have to experience things then you can feel how it feels like .. Am I pressuring myself .. I feel like ignoring everyone who talks to me now .. I am just not up to myself .. I don't know what to do and I don't want to trouble Ms Cheong .. I feel that I have already troubled her too much .. That's what happens when I try to open up to someone .. I'll just stop eventually .. Feeling not up to it .. Just want to stop opening up .. I have that habit of shutting myself out when I just got to opening up .. It's always like this ..

Nowadays ..

Nowadays , it's not too bad ?? I just sort of zone out into my own world sometimes .. I like cannot control my emotions .. Urhg .. Sometimes , I just feel so terrible .. I don't want to let my family members know .. No way .. I just don't want to let them know .. Just let them think that I'm fine .. I just have to let myself think that way .. I sometimes just wanna cry out .. I haven't been able to do it before .. I just can't .. Wth ?! Nvm .. I just hope that if I become emo , look emo , zone out .. Nobody would be able to tell .. Haix .. Now is exam period .. I shouldn't let my emotions to affect me at all .. It shouldn't .. Sometimes , I just want my sister to shut up sometimes .. She doesn't like our father .. She scolds my father sometimes to me just because she doesn't like some personalities of him . Well , actually , I think that they are similar .. Yeah ..
I wonder how I look like to my friends .. Do I look happy ?? Do I look troubled ?? Does the smiles I smile reach my eyes ?? I've got so many questions .. Why am I like that ?? If I really really try to solve my problems , will it work ?? It will help right ?? I just have to be strong now , get over my mye , then think about it !! Isn't that simple ?? No it's not .. My feelings , emotions , are affecting me .. I can't let that happen .. I'll just have to try .. Urgh ..

Me

I really am not who I was anymore .. I didn't used to be like that .. So emo and all .. T.T I'm not happy .. I'm really not happy .. Do you think I can hide it ?? Not bad today .. Think I hide it quite well .. Singing like a szb in the bus .. I don't feel happy too .. At all

Fuck my life

I feel that I'm so fucked up .. Everything is fucked up .. What the fuck .. I'm seriously damn pissed and I'm having mood swings. What the hell ?! I'm being emo all over again .. That feeling that I've pushed away , it's back .. I promised myself .. Until mye ends .. Hold it till then .. I'm afraid I can't hold it anymore .. I feel so pressured .. I can't relax .. Wth .. Why are so many things happening at the same time ?! URHG What if I can't hold it anymore ?? I have to right ?? I have to be strong !! I have to believe that I can go through this .. I can do it .. But my father keeps rubbing salt to it .. How am I suppose to believe I can do it ?? I'm just not who I used to be anymore .. By saying all these .. I think I have broken my promise .. To some people in particular who I have promised to them specially , that I WILL try .. But I have broken the promise .. I'm just so tired .. So .. I don't know how to describe that feeling .. It's just .. Haix .. I'm so affected by these .. My mye .. I don't think I'll at least be able to do well for my parents to see .. Yeah .. And I have a question .. Are the exams that will affect your future more important or your family that will be together with you for the rest of your life more important ?? It's just so hard .. I feel so pressured .. I don't have a choice , do I ?? Being the eldest .. URHG .. And some people want to be the eldest .. I don't mind changing .. Being the eldest , bearing the responsibility , that I think it's so big .. ): I realised I've never been happy .. Never truly .. Who am I ?? Yeah .. that's it .. I don't know who am I anymore .. People are making me pissed off .. Like my sister .. What's with her attitudes man ?! WTH ?! I think I'm such a failure at everything .. I can't seem to be able to do things right .. I can't make things right .. I can't be a good sister to my sister .. I feel crap. URGH .. I want to scream out loud .. I want to enjoy the silence which I haven't been able to enjoy .. I can't be emo .. If I want , I can't show it .. I can't let them see that I'm unhappy .. Just let them see that I'm happy ..

A day like that

What do you exactly want from me ?? Do you know that by doing this, you're actually making me feel worse ?? Worse than ever .. Do you actually really think that i'm happy like that ?? I tell you , I'm totally not happy .. ._. i mean it when i say that I don't want to let you know .. Must you force me ?? forcing creates no happiness .. Do you feel the pain that is in my heart ?? You may think i'm cruel or what ?? But seriously, why can't you accept the fact that i don't want to tell you ?? Must you really know ??
"Yes, I don't understand . But I'm not blaming you . I'm blaming MYSELF . I have a feeling that it's all my fault ."
"Then do you think I'm really happy to see you like tht ? It HURTS to see you like that . I'll do anything , ANYTHING , to bring the person I knew once back again . I want her back , I miss her , soo much . Really ."
"Yeah , it's MY fault this happens , I made this happen . It's all MY fault ."
"Even if you don't want to , I WILL try my best , and I WILL find out what the hell is going on with you . I already know half of it ."
"Do you have to be like that ?"
"I've enough of this . I'll find out the truth one day . I will ."
"It's all my fault .. I made all these happen .. It's so difficult to smile right now .. Everything's never gonna same again .. It's gonna be a long time before I smile again . And that's my punishment for making you turn like this .. I'm never gonna rest until I see your true smile again .."
"I feel worse than you . Because it's all my fault it happened ."
That's what you said .. And by saying that , you're making me feel worse then ever , like i have failed to be a sister .. if you're feeling worse then me , the more i think that i failed .. Do you know that ?? Do you understand this feeling .. I've never been like that before .. It just seems to get worse day by day .. Nowadays , i still can fake happy .. One day , you'll make me till i can't even do it anymore .. Do you know what you're actually doing to me ?! One day , i'll be turning back into the totally emo kia .. Do you want that ?? You don't .. You don't even want the 'me' i am now .. You are turning me into the person who shuts people totally out of my life ..