What a failure I am ..

What a pathetic failure I am .. I just can't seem to voice out what I really think .. Is being back to good friends with Qian really the right thing to do ?? Sometimes , I just can't seem to make the right choices .. Mostly ending up making the wrong ones .. What am I supposed to do siah .. WTF .. I don't know what to do .. Telling people don't seem to help .. How can I say I'm tired of trying when I didn't even try until ?! But never mind .. I just don't feel up to it anymore .. I am just a pathetic little failure .. Haix .. Sometimes , I wish I'm like Shawn .. Being him seems to solve things . Like he doesn't have true friends , ending up with just himself alone .. Aww .. Sometimes , listening to people talk their heart out , you want to talk it out too .. But I don't want to .. It might just make them feel worse .. I really don't know how to think about things sometimes .. I think a lot .. I know .. I don't know how to control not to think too much .. It seems .. Natural .. I seriously don't know anymore .. SUCIDE .. Can't .. I already promised Ms Cheong .. So what can I do ??!! She sometimes also don't get me .. Even ME myself don't get myself at times .. I don't know what I am thinking .. Cutting myself .. Ms Cheong was already disappointed once with me .. Do I want to do it again ?? I can't .. I can't .. I should not .. Yes , Shawn was right .. I can't starve myself , I can't just go commit suicide .. Because I have people who cares about me .. What to do when people are thinking of doing things you yourself also want to do ?! What the hell ?! Does having no friends help ?? I might burst out one day .. I have do things that I am regretting now .. If you regret , you feel that you want to turn the time around .. I somehow feel like I want to feel how the cut will hurt .. You really have to experience things then you can feel how it feels like .. Am I pressuring myself .. I feel like ignoring everyone who talks to me now .. I am just not up to myself .. I don't know what to do and I don't want to trouble Ms Cheong .. I feel that I have already troubled her too much .. That's what happens when I try to open up to someone .. I'll just stop eventually .. Feeling not up to it .. Just want to stop opening up .. I have that habit of shutting myself out when I just got to opening up .. It's always like this ..