A day like that

What do you exactly want from me ?? Do you know that by doing this, you're actually making me feel worse ?? Worse than ever .. Do you actually really think that i'm happy like that ?? I tell you , I'm totally not happy .. ._. i mean it when i say that I don't want to let you know .. Must you force me ?? forcing creates no happiness .. Do you feel the pain that is in my heart ?? You may think i'm cruel or what ?? But seriously, why can't you accept the fact that i don't want to tell you ?? Must you really know ??
"Yes, I don't understand . But I'm not blaming you . I'm blaming MYSELF . I have a feeling that it's all my fault ."
"Then do you think I'm really happy to see you like tht ? It HURTS to see you like that . I'll do anything , ANYTHING , to bring the person I knew once back again . I want her back , I miss her , soo much . Really ."
"Yeah , it's MY fault this happens , I made this happen . It's all MY fault ."
"Even if you don't want to , I WILL try my best , and I WILL find out what the hell is going on with you . I already know half of it ."
"Do you have to be like that ?"
"I've enough of this . I'll find out the truth one day . I will ."
"It's all my fault .. I made all these happen .. It's so difficult to smile right now .. Everything's never gonna same again .. It's gonna be a long time before I smile again . And that's my punishment for making you turn like this .. I'm never gonna rest until I see your true smile again .."
"I feel worse than you . Because it's all my fault it happened ."
That's what you said .. And by saying that , you're making me feel worse then ever , like i have failed to be a sister .. if you're feeling worse then me , the more i think that i failed .. Do you know that ?? Do you understand this feeling .. I've never been like that before .. It just seems to get worse day by day .. Nowadays , i still can fake happy .. One day , you'll make me till i can't even do it anymore .. Do you know what you're actually doing to me ?! One day , i'll be turning back into the totally emo kia .. Do you want that ?? You don't .. You don't even want the 'me' i am now .. You are turning me into the person who shuts people totally out of my life ..